


Kindness (at the End)

by lovestillaround



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Banter, Christmas, Family Reunions, Fluff and Humor, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, scavenger hunt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21886894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: A story about the Christmas Eve, a wooden chest left by Phil on the kitchen table, and a mission to get the key.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 36
Kudos: 60
Collections: Phandom Fic Fests Holiday Exchange 2019





	Kindness (at the End)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [everclear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/everclear/gifts).



> Hope you like it <3 And thank you to my beta [midnightradio](https://midnightradio.tumblr.com/)!

Dan wakes up to the warm embrace of Phil’s arms. His first instinct is wanting to protest because it feels like it’s way too early, or maybe like he stayed up too late last night – either way, he’s sure that he hasn’t slept long enough. He struggles to keep his eyes open for more than a few seconds, his eyelids feel heavy, and he swears that they close up completely involuntarily.

“Good morning,” Phil chippers. His voice is filled with joy and excitement, and it baffles Dan. On a normal day, Phil would either be in the kitchen grumpily drinking his coffee, or he would wake up Dan and start poking his ribs demanding that Dan gets up and makes him the energising drink that he so desperately craves and then brings it to the bedroom. Phil without caffeine is grumpy and annoying and definitely not talkative. Being woken up by a happy and chatty Phil is very strange.

But it’s not strange enough for Dan to not close his eyes and try to fall back to sleep.

“Hey!” Phil grabs his shoulder and shakes him slightly, but Dan only grunts. “Come on, time to wake up!”

“What time is it exactly?” Dan whines.

“Mm, maybe nine?”

“Nine? You’re fucking cruel, it’s Christmas Eve.” Despite his words, Dan tries to make some effort to stay awake. He sits up a little and rubs his eyes.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m gonna go out for a bit, okay?” Phil says.

“Ugh, why?” 

“We’ve run out of sugar.”

Dan furrows his brows. “We’ve had, like, half a bag last time I looked, though?”

“Well, it’s not there anymore.”

Dan sits up straighter. “It must be there, you’re just blind.”

“No. We have sugar pixies.”

Only then Dan recognises that it must be the case of Phil poorly trying to cover up his surprise gift, or whatever else he’s trying to arrange.

“Oh, whatever. Go to the shop and be back soon,” he grumbles.

Phil doesn’t answer, but he smiles and gives Dan a peck on the lips before leaving.

*

Before Dan manages to get out of bed, he gets a text message from Phil.

_There’s something for you in the kitchen :o_

Dan really hopes it’s food, but what he finds is a wooden chest placed on the kitchen table.

“What the hell?” he mutters, and then he sees a post-it attached to it.

_Hello Danny,_

_this is your very special Christmas present! As you see, it’s locked. You will get the key if you complete the mission that I prepared for you._

_(You’ll find your next clue in my Vans NASA shoe)_

_love, Phil_

He immediately texts Phil _what the fuck_ , and Phil simply answers with a shrugging emoji. Dan is torn between wanting to roll his eyes at Phil’s new way of providing entertainment and melting right and there because _of course_ Phil would make sure that their first Christmas together as an out couple is memorable, especially when it’s also the tenth year of them knowing each other.

Grumpily, he gets to their shoe rack and sees a bit of paper sticking out from one of Phil’s shoes.

 _You’re nasty,_ he texts Phil, but once again, the only response he gets is an emoji. A shoe emoji.

So he reaches for the piece of paper that’s folded in half and opens it.

_Hello again Dan,_

_it’s time to get festive! I highly suspect that you’re still in your pyjamas and a part of today’s quest is going outside! I don’t want you to get cold, so put on a Christmas sweater and send me a selfie in it, and then you’ll get your next clue._

_Phil_

*

A few minutes later he’s standing in a pile of clothes. He puts on the ugliest Christmas sweater he can find and sends Phil a selfie. He takes only one picture, knowing that he doesn’t really have to try to impress anyone – Phil has seen him from every angle, including the most and the least flattering ones.

Dan only scans the photo briefly to see if it isn’t blurry. It isn’t. An added bonus is that the frown on his face is so deep that his dimples appear, and he knows that Phil will love that.

 _Gorgeous_ , Phil answers, and Dan rolls his eyes at the message. _Have you eaten breakfast yet?_

This time Dan smiles. He doesn’t even know if this is a part of the game, doesn’t know if his answer will determine what Phil will want him to do next, but the fact that he asks the question is sweet and so Phil. He always makes sure that Dan’s taking care of himself, even if nowadays Dan’s pretty good at it and usually doesn’t need reminders or prodding. Phil making sure that Dan eats and showers and rests and goes outside might be a residue from the harder times, or maybe Phil does it because he genuinely enjoys taking care of people. Maybe it’s both.

 _Not yet_ , he texts Phil. He gets an answer immediately.

Phil: _Do you wanna go to Starbucks?_

Dan: _with you?_

Phil: _Haha no, you’ll see me later_

Dan: _alright, I can go_

Phil: _But you need to introduce yourself in a funny way! That’s your next quest_

Dan: _ffs_

*

The air is cold and strangely refreshing taking into account the fact that he lives in London. The streets are busy, but maybe it’s easier to be outside on days like these, when he can pretend that he blends in with the crowd, that he’s unrecognisable.

It’s not like he never leaves the house without Phil, but it seems like most of the times it happens, he does it because he’s sad. He goes out without him when he wants to isolate himself, when he feels like he needs to be alone with his thoughts, distance himself from his problems and sometimes even from his entire life.

It’s like a vicious cycle, so now opening the front door without having Phil right behind him is enough to put him in a low mood. It happens even when he’s feeling completely fine before he leaves the apartment. Accidentally, he has created a bad association with lonely walks.

He doesn’t remember telling Phil about it, but maybe Phil knows anyway. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why he arranged the whole thing, the mission, the game, the scavenger hunt – he doesn’t know what he should call it yet.

*

He tells the barista that his name is Rudolf. Phil doesn’t believe him. He sends Dan a voice message demanding photographic proof, and he can’t stop giggling the whole time. It’s absolutely delightful.

It makes Dan feel less alone too, and for a moment he wonders whether Phil can actually read his mind, whether he somehow knew that hearing his voice would make Dan feel better. Dan knows it’s scientifically impossible, but wouldn’t it be nice, sometimes, to simply be aware of other people’s wishes and desires without asking? He could please them all without making things awkward, without making them feel guilty for wanting things.

He takes out his phone before he falls down that rabbit hole and sends Phil a picture of his coffee and cinnamon swirl.

Phil: _Looks delicious!_

Dan: _you could be here with me rn you spork_

Phil: _No! I’m helping with dinner_

Dan: _if I was Martyn and Corn I would throw you out of the house_

Phil: _Hey! I’m very helpful_

Dan: _I’ll ask them later if that’s true_

They host the Christmas dinner this year – Dan and Phil, a couple, a romantic couple, companions through life, actual soulmates, not just two friends who at some point would be expected to inevitably part because they’re too old to live together, because it’s time to start a _real_ family.

Today, the two of them are a family, and tomorrow the rest of their families will be truly reunited for the first time. It feels good, but it’s also scary.

(“Because it’s all so fresh, Phil. I told them – what, like – six months ago, and now they need to get used to the fact that they have this new family, and that they’ve had this family for ten years but didn’t have a clue about it? And now they’re about to chat with people that I’ve known for ten years and that I’ve been close to for ten years, and god, that’s just so awkward. Isn’t it awkward?”

“Dan, they will be okay,” Phil says. He keeps looking at Dan – patiently, thoroughly – but he doesn’t seem to find enough conviction there, on Dan’s face, in his eyes. “You’re overthinking it, babe. We’re gonna come together and celebrate the holidays and eat a bunch of good food. It will be great, I promise.”

Phil makes a pause, and Dan just keeps staring at him.

“My family is nice,” Phil tries again. “Your family is nice, too–”

“I know that they are nice,” Dan interrupts. “It’s not about that. It’s that… your family knew and mine didn’t, and it’s just so incredibly awkward. I don’t want, like, my mum to feel weird around your parents because they knew and she didn’t. I don’t want her to feel like she doesn’t belong.”

Phil looks at him like he finally understands. He gets closer and stares and then wraps his arms around Dan and still stares, and Dan thinks that it’s all taking forever. Then Phil pulls him in even closer and Dan can’t no longer look at him. Phil’s hand finally travels to Dan’s hair and stays there, gently caresses the curls.

“I’m sure that your family understands that,” Phil says quietly.

Dan lets himself melt into the touch, lets himself be engulfed in the feeling of safety that comes from being close to Phil. Maybe he is overthinking it all. Maybe he can let himself be convinced that everything will be alright.

“We’ll make sure that they feel accepted here, okay?” Phil speaks out again. “Your mum belongs here. Your family belongs here just as mine.”)

He finishes his coffee and breakfast and asks Phil what he should do next.

Phil: _There are so many of them in this region, please send me a picture of a…_

Dan: _wigeon?_

Phil: _no!!!!_

Dan: _lol jk_

He thinks this task isn’t going to be that hard since there are plenty of pigeons in London, so he leaves Starbucks and walks to the park that is near. Unfortunately, he doesn’t meet any pigeons on his way there.

Fortunately, in the park, there are plenty of them. He snaps just one picture and sends it to Phil.

Phil: _Are you kidding? I can barely see them!_

Dan: _should I circle them for you?_

Phil: _No, you need to get closer! And I want a picture of just one pigeon not ten_

Dan grunts but steps closer to the pack of the sky rats. He has never been so thankful for them being so slow and not easily scared. Usually, pigeons are problematic. You’re in a hurry to go somewhere and they behave like they’re the kings of the pavement, walk right in front of you with no fear for their lives and you need to watch out to not accidentally step on them. Today, Dan almost wants to kiss them for being so dumb.

That is, until he realises that pigeons might be slow walkers, but they still do walk, they move, they peck the ground, and it’s pretty hard to take a good picture of them. He tries his luck anyway, but Phil doesn’t seem to be satisfied with the result.

Phil: _I want to see their face!_

Dan: _omg you’re so demanding_

Phil: _You didn’t complain about it last night ;)_

Dan rolls his eyes. Of course, Phil was going to respond in the worst, most predictable way possible, completely ignoring the fact that the only thing they did last night was watching tv until Phil fell asleep on the sofa and then wanted Dan to carry him to bed.

Dan, obviously, didn’t do that.

Now, he doesn’t respond to Phil’s message, he simply gets to work and ends up pretty much chasing the pigeons. He doesn’t have the patience to crouch and slowly inch towards them, no. He’s chaotic and reckless.

He must look like a total weirdo, but he doesn’t care, because he manages to snap a perfect picture of the damn bird. It almost looks like the pigeon’s posing for the camera. It’s a pretty one – even Dan has to admit that.

Phil: _Majestic!_

Dan: _oh thank god_

Phil: _Now it’s time for some Christmas shopping! I want you to buy a present for yourself, something that you would want us both to use, and some sweets!_

Phil: _Oh, and before you do that, send me a picture of some pretty Christmas street decorations_

Phil: _And get some festive drink!_

*

Dan takes an uber. When he’s in the car, he teases Phil about forgetting the order of the tasks of the mission he himself has prepared. Phil sends him a tongue emoji.

He travels to Covent Garden because he figures it would be the easiest to buy all the stuff he needs there. Also, it’s pretty. He’ll surely find some nice Christmas decorations there, as well as some wine.

He usually goes there with Phil. (He usually goes everywhere with Phil, but for now he chooses to ignore this thought.)

*

He spends quite a lot of time at Covent Garden. To fulfil one of the quests, he takes a picture of the giant reindeer installation. It reminds him of Phil. It reminds him of the Festive Day in the Life video that they recorded in 2014. It reminds him of Phil’s obsession with Christmas and his love of traditions.

 _Classic_ , Phil answers when Dan sends him the picture.

Dan: _so the picture’s okay? you accept that?_

Phil: _Yes babe, that’s a nice one!_

Maybe one good thing about being here on his own is that Phil can call him babe without any inhibitions.

*

He buys a fancy planner for the new year and an eyeshadow palette in different shades of orange and copper. It takes some time to make the important choice that he wants those specific things, so he figures he deserves a break and goes to buy some mulled wine.

It’s good, it’s so good that he almost forgets to send Phil a picture that he got it. He captions it with _staying hydrated_ , and Phil answers with the droplets emoji.

He’s probably busy with cooking, Dan thinks. He tries to imagine the three of them – Phil, Martyn and Cornelia – in the kitchen, preparing dishes. Cornelia probably bosses them around, and Phil’s trousers and shirt are surely dirty from the ingredients.

They’re such a family, and even though Dan considers himself a part of it, there’s still some bitter seed inside of him. He doesn’t let it grow too much, but sometimes he can’t help getting jealous.

He loves his family, but there’s no escape from the fact that it isn’t complete.

It’s not his first Christmas without his father, but it is the first one when he doesn’t consider him a part of his family anymore. He doesn’t spend days thinking about it, but there are moments when that knowledge still stings. Today is one of the days when it does. It’s a weird feeling, because the Christmas mood is finally getting to him, but it’s mingled with such deep nostalgia that it almost hurts.

He thinks back to that one year when his dad filled his bedroom with fake snow, and it makes him want to cry.

(He sits there, on the sofa, trying to process his emotions. He isn’t sure if he can do it right now. He only knows that Phil is staring at him, expectedly, but Dan doesn’t know what on earth he should even tell him.

That his father hates him? That his father hates Phil too? Just because they both –

“Dan,” Phil says, quietly. He puts his hand on Dan’s thigh, and Dan wishes it could help him forget, help him shake off what he’s just read.

“Yeah,” he says, stupidly. He doesn’t know what else to say.

“Who is that?” Phil asks.

Dan just hands him the phone. The email is still open, still fresh, still feels like half a joke and half a punch to the gut.

He simply watches Phil’s face as he reads, watches how his expression gets sharper and sharper with every passing moment. Then Phil looks back at Dan. He’s quiet.

“Say something,” Dan says.

Phil stays silent just a bit longer, possibly trying to guess which option Dan wants to hear more. What he eventually says is, “That’s disgusting.”

Dan needs to admit that it sounds better than _I’m sorry_. He doesn’t want to feel sorry for himself. He thought that he was ready to cut off everyone who wouldn’t accept him for who he is. He told Phil that he was ready to cut them all off, but maybe a part of him didn’t want to accept the possibility of rejection. Maybe a part of him was convinced that his whole family would still love him, even though he had some evidence against this theory. Maybe all of him was convinced that he would still be loved. Maybe right now he’s just in shock.

The silence grows, and they stay like this, buried in their own thoughts.

When Phil breaks it, he just says, “Dan.” The word sounds wet. It sounds like it sits right on the edge of some disaster.

“No, shh. Don’t.” Dan pats Phil hand. “I’m alright,” he says, but Phil stays silent, his head hung down, and only then Dan realises that it all might not even be about him. “Are you alright?”

Phil throws himself into Dan’s arms, pretty much. He’s just like this, impulsive, eager, can’t stay still. His emotional responses are barely predictable. So Dan simply accepts it, wraps Phil into a hug and lets him do the same.

They quickly get tired of holding the position, and all the added stress and intense emotions certainly contribute to the exhaustion. Phil pushes Dan back and eventually they settle, Dan stretched out on the sofa and Phil on top of him. His head is on Dan’s chest and his hands are still gripping Dan’s body, as if he’s scared to let go.

Dan almost thinks that the conversation has died. He feels numb, but he can pretend that he simply feels calm, and that’s when Phil speaks again. His voice is muffled, but Dan can still make out the words.

“He doesn’t deserve you.”

Dan, despite all his issues with self-worth, says, “He doesn’t.”)

He finishes his wine and gets up, determined to get as many sweets as he can carry – for himself, for Phil, and for the rest of people who are still his family.

*

Phil’s home when Dan finally gets back. He runs down the stairs to greet him a moment after Dan opens the front door. Dan’s happy to see him. It’s only been a few hours, but he’s already started to miss him.

“Hello,” Phil says and stretches his arms out for a hug before Dan even has the chance to take off his jacket.

“Hello,” Dan says, accepting the touch.

“Oh, you’re cold!” Phil exclaims then and jumps back.

“It’s your fault, mate.”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy your mission.”

Dan stares at him, and Phil starts to giggle.

“Just a little bit?” Phil pokes his cheek.

“Maybe a little bit. Maybe I’ll appreciate it more when I get my reward.”

“Oh, right. That comes later. We’re having dinner first.”

“You want me to wait even longer?” Dan pretends to be exasperated.

“The food is good, I promise. And you must be hungry! You only had this cinnamon roll since morning, right?”

“Your motherly instincts are kicking in, Lester.”

Phil gets closer and unzips Dan’s jacket. “Now come, I’ll feed you spaghetti like mother bird.”

“What.”

“You know, like worms,” Phil says and starts imitating a bird that gets fed and mother bird that does the feeding, somehow trying to do both at the same time. Phil’s hand is raised over his face, he wriggles his fingers as if they are the earthworms, and he opens and closes his mouth, and Dan has enough of it.

“Ew!” he exclaims and grabs Phil’s hand to stop him.

*

Phil was right – the dinner is good. Dan is surprised to see a lit candle and a bottle of wine on the table too, but the truth is, he’s too hungry to pay attention to anything other than what’s on his plate.

He pretty much inhales the spaghetti and only looks back at Phil when he’s done eating. Phil’s smiling at him.

“What?” Dan asks.

“Nothing! You were so hungry I was worried you were gonna eat the plate, too.”

“Shut up.”

“Do you want more?” Phil asks.

“No, I want the key. Do I get the key now?”

“Almost. Let’s see what you bought first.”

Phil gets up, grabs the bags that Dan brought home and puts them on the counter. The first thing he digs out is a pack of gingerbread cookies. Next, he takes out the eyeshadows.

“Oh, is that what you bought for yourself?” Phil glances at Dan and then at the product. “Looks pretty.”

“No, I thought I could do your make-up. If you want. The orange tones match blue eyes, apparently.”

“Ohh.” Phil makes a surprised face and then nods. “Sure, we can do that.”

“You look nice with glittery things on your face,” Dan says.

“Does it have glitter?” Phil brings the palette closer to his face.

“Check your eyes, mate.”

“They are checked.” Phil pouts.

“And what did the doctor say?”

“That my boyfriend should be nicer to me.”

“Oh, I see how it is.”

Phil ignores Dan, and reaches inside the bag again. This time he takes out the planner. “Ah, so this is your gift?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you gonna schedule?”

“Your make-up session.”

“Nice. Can we also schedule some other things?”

Dan already knows where this is going, but he still asks, “Like what?”

“Hm, some lovin’ every Sunday after my liveshows–“

Dan snatches the planer out of Phil’s hand. “We’ve been over it! You don’t get to call sex “lovin’”, okay?”

“But I like it that way.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Oh, whatever. Just give me the key and maybe I’ll get over it.”

Phil reaches to the back pocket of his jeans without protesting. He gets the key out but hesitates to give it to Dan. “Maybe I should put it in my pants and make you search for it.”

Dan is having none of it. He rips the key out of Phil’s grip before Phil even has a chance to react and lets out a triumphant shrike when he succeeds.

*

Soon, they find themselves on the floor of their living room, sitting in front of the chest.

Dan feels strangely nervous that he finally gets to unlock it. He doesn’t know what to expect, so instead he looks at Phil, trying to steady himself. Phil looks calm and his smile seems encouraging, so Dan puts the key in and turns it.

He opens the lid, and at first he doesn’t know what to make of the gift. The chest is full of pieces of paper. Some small, some folded, some white, some colourful, some square, some form different shapes. The whole chest is full of them. What catches his attention is that among the papers he sees a picture of himself sleeping. He takes it and looks at the back of it.

_cause you looked cute <3 _

He looks at Phil, confused. Phil looks unsure now.

“You hate it,” he says.

“What?” Dan’s mouth goes dry. “No! No, I just don’t know what… What is this?”

Phil smiles with one corner of his lips. He doesn’t look at Dan anymore. “Take some more.”

Dan takes the first bit of paper that happens to be beneath his fingers. It’s one that’s folded in half, so he opens it.

_Hi Dan,_

_it’s Wednesday, and you went to therapy, and I’m at home. I’m about to go and make dinner but first I wanted to work on this gift. And I was thinking about what to tell you today but then decided that I just want you to know that I’m proud of you. I’m so proud of you. I’m so glad that you’re getting the help you need and that you’re working on undoing the harm that was done to you._

“Phil. Phil, what…”

Dan stares at Phil, and Phil looks back but stays quiet. In this moment, Dan can only think how similar this Phil is to the person that he met ten years ago – the bashfulness, the shy smile, the uncertainty in his eyes, as if Dan could ever reject him.

“Phil, that’s…” Dan starts, but he doesn’t know what to say, he really doesn’t. This time, Phil laughs shortly, and it’s so clear how nervous he is.

Dan reaches inside the chest again. The next piece of paper has a doodle of two rats sitting next to each other. He shows it to Phil in disbelief, as if he wasn’t the one who drew that.

“Do you like it?” Phil asks quietly.

“Do I like it? Are you serious? Do I like it?” Dan mumbles some nonsense before he shuffles closer to Phil on the uncomfortable floor, cups his face and kisses him until he runs out of breath.

“Since when have you been preparing that?” he asks, looking back at the pile of notes filling the wooden box.

“Uhh, I’ve been doing it for maybe six months?”

“Six months?" Dan echoes.

“Okay, maybe it wasn’t _exactly_ six months. But I started at some point in summer.”

“Wow. That’s some freaking determination.”

“Yeah. I just…”

Dan waits patiently for Phil to collect his thoughts.

“It was a hard year. It was good! But it was difficult, and new.”

“And scary,” Dan adds.

“Yeah.” Phil touches the back of his head, and Dan doesn’t understand why he seems so tense. “I just… I watched you working so hard. I knew how stressful it all was for you. And after all the things you’ve shared with me… With me and with the world.” Phil pauses, and it seems like he’s run out of words.

“You wanted to make me a gift,” Dan prompts.

“I wanted you to feel loved.”

“Phil.” Dan’s voice gets so quiet and choked up that he can barely hear himself. “I do feel loved.”

“Yeah,” Phil agrees. Dan doesn’t know if his eyes shine so much from sheer emotions or from actual tears. “But I wanted you to feel loved a little more.”

Dan groans and pulls Phil in with such force that they both fall – Dan’s back touches the floor and Phil falls onto him. He yelps at first, but when he sees that he doesn’t actually crush him, he positions himself comfortably on top of Dan. He lays his head on Dan’s chest, and Dan starts stroking his hair as if it’s a reflex that he’s always had.

“You’re an idiot,” Dan mutters.

“I am.”

“But I love you.”

He can almost feel Phil smiling against his chest. “I know.”

*

It’s later, when they finally get up from the floor and move somewhere more comfortable that Dan remembers something.

“Why did you plan this whole thing with me going outside?” he asks.

“Because I like tormenting you,” Phil answers.

“But was that the only reason?”

Phil looks at him, and this time his expression is more serious. “You’ve been stressing out about Christmas this year.”

“Uh-huh. That’s why you made me chase pigeons?”

“Did you chase them?” Phil’s face lights up.

“Yeah, mate. Cause you were unhappy with all the pictures I took.”

“I wanted you to do something fun instead of stressing out. I’m glad it worked.”

If Dan had a pillow near him, he would start hitting Phil with it. Instead, he needs to put the matter into his own hands, and he tickles Phil until he begs Dan for forgiveness.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr post](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/post/189982184078/kindness-at-the-end-rating-t-words-47k-beta)


End file.
